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What depression feels like

What depression feels like

My alarm goes off. I don’t feel like going to university today. I don’t feel like chatting with my classmates. I don’t feel like leaving my bed at all. My head feels like it’s full of clouds, my body heavy under my duvet. I try to get up, but the depression wins for a moment. Second attempt. I can barely stand upright, everything feels heavy and I can hardly decide what to do first: have breakfast? Take a shower? Go straight to my lecture? Go back to bed? Decisions are difficult when you’re depressed. Life is difficult when you’re depressed.

After a while, I finally decide to make breakfast. But what do you have for breakfast when you don’t feel hungry at all? Coffee. Coffee is always a good idea. While my coffee is brewing, I put on my clothes. Even this is hard to do today. Everything is hard.

After taking two sips of my coffee, I quickly gather all my stuff and leave my room. I get on my bike and instantly regret getting up this morning. It would’ve been better if I’d stayed in bed all day. Like I did yesterday. And the day before yesterday. When I reach the university, I push away all the dark thoughts I had while I was cycling. I put on my happy face and enter the building. I meet up with my classmates and we talk briefly.

During the lecture, I can’t focus on the lecturer at all. My mind wanders and my thoughts are far away. Later, I’ve got a tutorial meeting and I try my best to participate. But again the depression wins every now and then, imprisoning me in my own world. Minutes seem to last an eternity and the meeting just won’t finish. I simultaneously think about so many things, yet nothing at all. After two hours, we’re allowed to leave and I can finally go home. Back to my bed – the only place that feels safe.

Jo Haas, second-year student of Health Sciences

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