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Slow dating

My newspaper reported about the immense popularity of Tinder, the hetero version of the dating App for gay mayors: Grindr. I’m not a user; the fact that one of my (offline) dates in the past successfully evolved into a steady partnership -including reproduction- may add to this. And I’m not a fan either.

First, online dating is full of deception: Photo shopped beauty, fake smiles, false diploma’s... My friendly neighbourhood grocer told me about this customer, who thought he was spending nights in purest romance with the Ecuadorian love of his life, yet appeared to be dating a Nigerian ex-cage fighter, chatting him up until his hideous friends finally took over the control of laptop and bank accounts.

But more importantly: online dating is a threat to human existence.

Dating is a manifestation of the reproductive instinct. Reproduction is indispensable for the continued existence of human kind; hence, dating should be done with greatest care. The Almighty Evolution has built in several mechanisms to guarantee this.

First it has provided us with various reproductive instruments. Next to the obvious organs to do the dirty work, there are more subtle instruments, such as our sense. These enable us to assess the attractiveness of a partner and thus to enhance the fitness of our offspring. For example, our sense of smell tells us that a fermented mouth bouquet is not sexy and our eyes observe if a woman’s hips are ‘birth enabling’.

Also, traditionally the quest for a partner meant: long and tiring travel, sniffing for trails, in endless savannahs full of wild animals and competitors with wooden poles; only the fittest succeeded.

Online dating has dramatically changed this complex and physical process. Nowadays every jerkoff with the correct dose of Redbull is able to infinitely travel the ‘World Wide Savannah’, using only eyes and one single hand. Obviously this will have a detrimental effect on the quality of our offspring.

Therefore, to save the human race, I’ve started organising workshops in ‘slow dating’. In these practical workshops I’ll teach women (in their thirties) to find the right partner by seeing, touching, smelling, hearing and tasting. For free.

 

Thomas Thijssens, lecturer at the School of Business & Economics

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2014-02-14: Anonymous User

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