If someone would look into my window they wouldn't know what life-altering moment I just sent into cyberspace.


My hands are shaking. My eyes scatter from the document name, over the file upload description, to the submit button and back to the document name. Is it the right one? I quickly go back to my other window open on my laptop - the one with my final bachelor thesis. The capstone of my time at UCM - my Capstone. I look over the headings. Dark green - I wanted to give them a special design to keep the document interesting despite its 55 pages. The footnotes that talk about all the things that would deserve their own thesis and didn't fit into mine. The references that I edited until past 1:30am this morning.

The document looks good. I read it and reread it so many times I feel like I know it by heart. The moment of truth has come. I go back to Canvas and finally want to submit my document when I realise I have been kicked out because I was thinking too long (I may also have clicked on a wrong button, who knows). But it's no worries, time to log back in. Mandatory Yearly Password Change. NOW? I need 5 tries to find one that is secure enough (apparently I want to submit my thesis now! doesn't pass the bar), and then I'm back in.

Double-check, double-check, double-check, and it's time to submit. My hands are shaking again. The time has come. I click the button. It's submitted. Then I get to do it again, this time having to submit the anonymised version for the second reader. The second time around really isn't easier than the first. Again, my mouse hovers over the 'submit' button longer than it should. Of course, it does! This is, if all goes well, the final submission I will ever do as a bachelor’s student! My thoughts go back to three years ago - already then I knew that I never wanted this time to end. With one push of a button, it will.

Click. There is almost no sound, like a whisper. If someone would look into my window they wouldn't know what life-altering moment I just sent into cyberspace. That is until I jump up and dance, that might have given them a clue. I dance and can't stop. All the hard work, the sleepless nights, the studying by heart, the papers, the references, the supervisor meetings - with the push of one button it has all fallen off me. How does it feel? Ecstatic? Melancholic? Scary? Probably all wrapped into one. I spontaneously grab my printed Capstone that I had been proofreading and throw it up into the air. As the sheets of paper fall down on me, I can't but laugh. It's submitted.

Jesler van Houdt

Jesler with her printed Capstone.