There is a significant orgasm gap between cis men and cis women, explains Dewitte. Men almost always climax during partnered sex, but women – especially heterosexual women – have far fewer orgasms. And there’s a reason for this: “Most women can’t come from penetration alone. This is because their pleasure centre isn’t the vagina, but the clitoris. During penetration, the back of the clitoris – which extends deep into the body and is more than just the small nub on the outside – gets stimulated. While pleasurable, this often isn’t enough to reach orgasm.”
Foreplay
So, don’t skip the foreplay. “Too many people think of foreplay as an optional warm-up for the ‘real’ sex. But for many women, it’s actually the best part. Foreplay is often viewed as the appetiser to the main course of penetration, when in fact it is the main part of the experience. Penetration is just the dessert.”
For those who would like to be able to orgasm during penetration, Dewitte has a few tips: “Use your fingers or a vibrator to stimulate your clitoris. Changing positions can also help. Placing a pillow under your lower back during missionary can help tilt your pelvis, allowing your partner’s pubic bone to rub against yours.”
Psychological threshold
But what if you never have an orgasm during sex? This might be a sign that you find it hard to surrender to sensation and let go of control, explains Dewitte. “To have an orgasm, you need to let go and cross a psychological threshold.” You can practise this, she says. How? “Masturbate. Experiment with using a toy. You’ll learn what you like, and your body will develop motor memory. As you have more orgasms, your body will become better at recognising the signs. Over time, this will make it easier for you to climax.” It might also be a good idea to take a look at your expectations. “An orgasm doesn’t always feel like an intense peak of pleasure; sometimes it’s more like a gentle wave.”
So far, we’ve mostly focused on women. But what about men? What might cause them to have trouble orgasming? “Sometimes they’re too focused on their partner. An orgasm is a solo experience, a moment when you need to focus on your own pleasure and ‘let go’ of your partner. Or they might be too focused on performance, putting too much pressure on themselves to orgasm.”
Right stimulation
The important thing for everyone is to find the right kind of stimulation. “Many young people imitate what they see in porn, where the emphasis is often on penetration and – preferably simultaneous – orgasm. Orgasms are important, and everyone would like to orgasm, but you can have satisfying sex without it. Don’t blindly copy what you see in porn because you think that’s how sex is supposed to be. Instead, ask yourself: do I enjoy this? How does this feel for me?”