According to Dewitte, many men mistakenly believe that consent is something to be intuited, something you should instinctively pick up on. “But it’s a skill you can develop. Research shows that men are indeed more likely to interpret non-verbal cues as implicit consent, whether accurately or inaccurately. Nonverbal signals can be misinterpreted. It is better to communicate verbally to avoid misunderstandings. It is important to emphasize that silence is not the same as consent. Consent must be active, explicit, and come from both parties.”
Dynamic process
Consent must be continuous, Dewitte stresses. “Even if someone has given you consent before, they can change their mind and they have the right to indicate this at any time.” So, it’s important to remember that having permission to kiss someone, for example, does not imply consent for further sexual activities. “Consent is an ongoing, dynamic process. Check in at every new stage of intimacy, from touching under clothes to oral sex or penetration. Ask your partner if they’re still comfortable with what’s happening.” This is just as important in a relationship, she adds. “As you get to know your partner better, you can rely more on non-verbal cues and implicit consent. But just because you’ve had anal sex once, for example, doesn’t mean your partner wants to have it every time.”
Some people might find it awkward to keep checking in with their sexual partner. “But I think it’s actually appreciated. It’s a sign that you want them to feel good, a sign of respect. And the more people do it, the more normal it will become.”
Unsure
Dewitte understands that this might make some men, particularly men who have sex with women, feel unsure about what to do. “For a long time in history, sex was considered a man’s right and a woman’s duty. The woman went along with what the man wanted; that was the norm. Today, we see that women are increasingly exploring their sexuality and wishes and discovering their own boundaries. At the same time, men report being less interested in sex and reaching orgasm less often. They’re too focused on whether their partner is still having a good time.” But as long as you check in periodically to make sure everyone is still on the same page, she says, you can let go of the fear. “Try not to obsess over it.”
The woman has a role to play here too, Dewitte points out. “If you notice that he’s feeling a bit unsure, explicitly let him know you’re still okay with what’s happening. Don’t be passive, but actively communicate what you want.”