“Current sex education in schools almost exclusively focuses on preventing pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs)”, explains Dewitte. It’s a rather biological approach, she says. “‘This is the penis; this is the vagina; this is how reproduction works.’ Implicitly, this puts the emphasis on heterosexual penetration, reinforcing the idea many young people already have – that sex without penetration isn’t ‘real’ sex. It’s as if intimacy, cuddling, foreplay and masturbation don’t count.”
There’s nothing wrong with masturbation, she explains, and this message should be spread far and wide. It wouldn’t hurt to be more specific, either. “How do you go about it? If you've been handling your own penis from a young age, it might come more naturally to you. If you have a vulva, general tips can be helpful – there’s no need to make it overly technical.”
Instructional videos
Dewitte takes the lead without hesitation: “For example, vary your speed when stimulating your clitoris. Apply a bit more pressure or try gentler strokes. Or use a lubricant, like saliva or lube, to see what it’s like. A useful resource is omgyes.com, a website with instructional videos on self-stimulation. While you can look for sexual stimulation in porn, you can also read or listen to erotic stories. This is a great option if you’re not very visually oriented or prefer to use your own imagination.”
Dewitte would like to see more emphasis placed on sexual pleasure in general. “What we want is for people to have enjoyable sex.” This requires a few conditions: “The right sexual stimulation, a safe context with mutual consent, and good communication. To discover what works best for you, you’ll have to embark on a journey of self-exploration. It’s best to do this alone, as being with a sexual partner can make you focus too much on them.”
Conversation
Masturbation can make sex with others better too, explains Dewitte. “If you know what you like, you can communicate it to your partner.” A lot of people struggle with this, though. How do you approach the conversation? “Look for an opportunity to bring it up, like a sex scene in a film or an article in a newspaper or magazine. And always frame things positively. Don’t say ‘You’re doing it wrong’, but ‘I’d really like it if you tried this or that’. You can also let your partner know what you like during sex through non-verbal cues, such as moaning louder.”
And even beyond this journey of self-exploration, masturbation is appropriate in a relationship, she points out. “It’s just another form of sex. It doesn’t mean there’s something missing in your relationship. It’s not even necessarily about sexual arousal; people also masturbate to relieve stress, relax or just have some me time.”