“Every year in the first lecture of my sexology course, I ask if there’s still a sexual double standard between men and women”, says Dewitte. “And even in 2024, the answer is yes. Men who have had many sexual partners are seen as experienced – he’s a stud, but she’s a slut.”
According to Dewitte, this shows that certain gender role expectations persist in society. “Like the expectation that women should say no to sex. Social desirability certainly plays a role there. This is reflected for instance in a study where people were asked how many partners they’d had. Women reported higher numbers when they thought they were hooked up to a lie detector compared to when they couldn’t be caught lying.” Women seem to report lower numbers, even in anonymous surveys, for fear of being judged. Men, on the other hand, are expected to always want sex. “As a result, men feel pressured to perform. But these are social constructs we can change.”
Interrogate stereotypical attitudes
Dewitte encourages people to interrogate their own stereotypical attitudes. “And also those of your friends. If they make fun of your new girlfriend having more experience than you, point out their narrow-minded thinking. Open up the conversation and ask why they think it’s weird. People often gossip to hide their own insecurities.”
If you are the one who has a problem with it, it’s time to take a long hard look at yourself and understand why, she says. “Does it make you feel insecure? Are you afraid of being found wanting in comparison? Does it make you jealous? Is it that you don’t trust your partner?”
Communicate
In all cases, Dewitte recommends open communication. “Talk about your feelings. Tell your partner what’s bothering you. It’s important to realise that everyone has a relationship history. Your partner can’t change their past, but they’re in a relationship with you now. Focus on that, not on the past. And work on your self-esteem. This will benefit you more than being clingy or controlling.”