“It’s a fine line”, says Dewitte. “On the one hand, violence must never be normalised. And research does show that boys who watch porn where women are degraded say more misogynistic things.”
On the other hand, she believes it goes too far to call a preference abnormal in and of itself. “There’s a vast grey area between ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’. I think the main rule is that as long as it doesn’t harm yourself or others, any fantasy is OK.”
Pornography
During sex, you can make sure you don’t cross any boundaries. But what about pornography? “Don’t watch just anything – first, ensure that it was created with the consent of all parties involved. Sometimes, VR or animated porn can be a good alternative.”
But won’t this encourage such fantasies, making people more likely to act on them? “I understand why someone might think that, but it can actually be a good way for a person to let off steam in a controlled manner.”
Moreover, she says, fantasising about something doesn’t mean you actually want it to happen. “People have ‘bad’ thoughts all the time, like ‘I want to push so-and-so off a bridge’. You don’t act on those thoughts, either. Imagination has no morality. As [Belgian poet] Willem Elsschot wrote, ‘Between dream and deed, laws and practical objections remain/and melancholy, which none can explain’.”
Most common fantasy
What if you’re a woman who likes to fantasise about rough sex? “Don’t judge yourself for it. You’re not the only one. Research shows that the most common fantasy among women is BDSM sex [involving bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, such as being restrained, roleplay, spanking or humiliation].” Again, there’s a difference between thinking about something and doing it. “Only 30 per cent said they would ever want to act out the fantasy.”
Reassuring words, but when should you start worrying? “What are the risk factors to consider? It’s not just a specific sexual preference in and of itself, but the combination of a non-standard sexual preference with traits such as high impulsivity, low empathy or antisocial tendencies. That’s something to watch out for.”