“There are a lot of myths and expectations surrounding the first time. People commonly believe that, for women, it might hurt a bit at first and then feel fantastic, or that it’s just awful and painful. The latter is the message girls often receive: ‘It’s uncomfortable; you’ll bleed.’ I think that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you go into it feeling anxious and tense, your pelvic floor muscles will tighten, you’ll be distracted, and your vagina will remain dry and tight – so it’s no wonder that penetration can be painful. The anticipation of pain leads to pain.”
Dream partner
It’s time to move away from this negative narrative, says Marieke Dewitte. So what should the message be instead? “You may feel nervous, certainly, but it’s also a beautiful moment – the beginning of a journey of sexual exploration. Enjoying sex requires you to be relaxed, ready, with the right person in a safe context, and communicate with each other. Plus, you shouldn’t think there’s something wrong with you if it doesn’t feel as passionate as what the media would have you believe.” Try not to make it “too big a deal”, she says, “a ‘wow’ moment with your dream partner that needs to be perfect.”
Pressure
Intimacy is about getting to know each other. “Young people go through what we call a ‘sexual interaction career’ that lasts about two years”, explains Dewitte. “It starts with kissing, then touching, and eventually penetrative sex. It’s a gradual process. Skipping steps – as happens in some conservative cultures where couples jump straight from no physical contact to their wedding night – can lead to issues like pain, vaginismus (spasmodic contraction of the pelvic floor muscles and muscles around the vagina,red.), erectile problems and premature ejaculation. It’s also crucial to know what you like. Boys often have several years of experience with masturbation, while girls may only start exploring after they’ve had sex with a partner. As a result, they tend to be more passive during the ‘first time’ and may seem to rely on their partner to show them how to enjoy sex. This puts pressure on men to perform, as if they have to prove themselves.”
Intimate
One last question: what do we mean by ‘the first time’? “The emphasis tends to be on penetration, but it’s about so much more. It includes cuddling and touching; it’s really the first time you feel like you’re sharing something intimate with someone, whether you’re straight, lesbian or gay.” Interestingly, Dewitte notes, young people are having penetrative sex for the first time later (around 18 years old) and having less sex than previous generations. Body insecurity might play a role here, as well as a decline in curiosity about sex. “In the past, you didn’t really know what to expect; you didn’t read about it, and no one talked about it. But now that there’s so much information available online and in magazines, it doesn’t seem as exciting anymore.”