Many people mistakenly believe that a difference in sexual desire within a relationship is the problem of the partner with the lower sex drive, says Dewitte. “The assumption is that they should get on the same level as the partner with the higher libido. But often, it’s not an individual problem; it’s a shared one.”
So, what can you do about it? First, it’s important to realise that it’s normal for libido to fluctuate. “Even just from one moment to the next. And the kind of sex you want to have can vary, too. When you think about it, it’s actually quite unlikely that two people will want exactly the same thing at exactly the same time.” Waiting for that moment to happen spontaneously isn’t the solution; trying to find a compromise would be more effective.
Playful way
For this to work, both partners’ attitudes are crucial. The person with the higher sex drive shouldn’t take rejection personally, Dewitte advises. “Ask yourself why your partner isn’t in the mood, and talk about it. How can you rekindle desire in your relationship? You could each make a box of cards with intimate activities you’d like to try, such as ‘I’d like to take a bath together’ or ‘I’d like to use a sex toy.’ Twice a week, take turns picking a card from each other’s box. You don’t have to carry out the activity immediately, but at least talk about it for a bit. This way, you can get to know each other better in a playful way.”
Dewitte suggests that the partner with the lower sex drive shouldn’t ask themselves, “Am I in the mood for sex?” but rather, “Am I willing to get in the mood?” “Be open to the experience. Sexologists talk about the 10-minute rule: spend 10 minutes caressing each other, for example. You might feel like having sex after that – and if not, you’ve still shared a nice moment of intimacy.”
Sparks imagination
She also advises couples to explore what sparks their erotic imagination. “Watch porn, listen to a sexy podcast or read an erotic story together. Afterwards, you can discuss it: what did it do for you? What did it do for me? Would you like to try this or that sometime?”
Finally, if the desire discrepancy persists, Dewitte believes solo sex can be a perfectly acceptable solution. “Just don’t keep it a secret – that’s a tendency people have. You don’t have to announce that you’re going to masturbate, but you can tell your partner that you touch yourself sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with that; it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong in your relationship. Masturbation is simply another and equally valid form of sex, satisfying a different need.”