There’s a good chance you’re too caught up in your own head, explains Dewitte. “To enjoy sex, you need to be able to relax and let go. That’s impossible if you’re constantly thinking about how your body looks, worrying about making strange noises or wondering whether your partner is enjoying themselves. This is called ‘spectatoring’, observing yourself as if you’re an outsider rather than actually being in the moment.”
Other thoughts might pop into your head as well – about the groceries you still need to buy, for example, or that looming essay deadline. “We all have an accelerator and a brake when it comes to sexual arousal. The right kind of stimulation presses the accelerator, but it’s just as important to figure out what presses on your brake. What are your mood killers?”
Distracted
Keep in mind that it’s perfectly normal for people to be distracted. “Research shows that our minds wander 75% of the time. That’s just how the human brain is wired, and it’s no different during sex. The trick is to bring your attention back to your body and the sexual stimulation you’re experiencing.”
It’s a good idea to practise this, Dewitte says. “Try regular body scans or other meditation techniques to train yourself to redirect your focus to your body and its sensations.” It also helps to create a relaxing atmosphere before having sex. “Set up a safe and comfortable environment. Make sure the room is nice and warm, light a candle, maybe have a glass of wine…”
Negative spiral
Avoid falling into a negative spiral, she warns. “If you go into partnered sex convinced you won’t be able to orgasm, it definitely won’t happen. Instead, try to approach it with an open mind. Think, ‘Let’s see how it goes today – maybe it’ll happen this time.’”
Finally, don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about it, says Dewitte. “It might simply be that your body isn’t getting the right kind of stimulation. There’s a myth that if you like each other, you’ll instinctively know what the other person wants during sex, but that’s just not true. You need to communicate, whether verbally or non-verbally. For example, moan a bit louder to indicate to your partner that they’re on the right track.”