The first question to ask yourself is: why am I avoiding intimacy with others? “There could be all sorts of reasons”, says Dewitte. “You might be afraid of rejection, of being vulnerable, or maybe you have a fear of commitment.” This might mean you have an avoidant attachment style. “This may be because someone was consistently rejected in the past when they needed love, support, and care. People with this attachment style tend to have a stronger need for autonomy, find it very difficult to ask for help, keep an emotional distance from others and be very focused on themselves. Sometimes, you see this reflected in their sex lives. And porn is ideal for that – you only have to think about yourself. Of course, this doesn't mean that everyone who watches porn is avoidantly attached, but fear of rejection in ‘real life’ can play a role in why people seek sexual contact online, from a distance.” If this sounds familiar, a first step could be to address the underlying issue of insecure attachment through therapy, for example.
Idealised view
Another possible reason is that you may have developed an idealised view of sex through porn, and “reality can no longer compete. In general, we’re seeing more and more relationships and sexual encounters happening mainly or even entirely online, with people rarely or never meeting in person.” The online world can be a great addition to real life, Dewitte says, “and it can serve as a good platform for experimentation, but it can’t replace the offline world. Connection and intimacy also require actually seeing and touching each other.”
The same goes for porn: watching it frequently isn’t necessarily a problem, as long as you’re not using it as a substitute for real human interaction and it doesn’t become an irresistible urge. “It’s time to cut back if it starts feeling compulsive – for example, if you’re skipping a night out with friends at the pub because you’ve planned an evening of watching porn.”
Vicious cycle
Building positive experiences can help break this pattern, says Dewitte. “People who lose themselves in porn to the point where it feels out of their control often feel ashamed of it. To avoid those negative feelings, they watch more porn, resulting in a vicious cycle.”
She recommends being more intentional about engaging with porn. “Don’t just let it run in the background as a habit. Set a timer for thirty minutes. Sit down for it, masturbate if you want to, and enjoy it. When the timer goes off, stop for the day. This can help you start associating porn with pleasure again, instead of negative thoughts like ‘I’m a creep’ or ‘I can’t stop doing this’.”
Positive experiences also play an important role in building a better self-image, as does broadening your social circle. “You don’t have to start dating immediately. Take baby steps, like meeting up with friends face-to-face more often.”