It might feel a bit awkward, but Dewitte strongly encourages students in this situation to talk to their housemate about it. “Lingering frustration will only ruin the atmosphere in the house.” But how do you broach the subject? “You could look for a natural opening – perhaps something you’ve read or seen on TV.” Humour can help, but think carefully about how it might be received. “Keep it respectful; this isn’t the time for inappropriate jokes. You don’t want to make your housemate feel self-conscious or think you disapprove of their relationship.”
Positive message
The key is to express your feelings from your own perspective and not as a reproach to the other person, Dewitte says. “You could say something like, ‘I’m really happy for you that you’ve found someone, but sometimes I can hear you having sex when I’m trying to study, and it’s distracting. Could we work out a solution so you two can enjoy yourselves but also be mindful of me? Maybe we could agree on quiet hours when I need to focus, or I could let you know when I’ll be out?’” It’s also helpful to add a positive message, for instance how you enjoy your living arrangement. “Let them know you’re bringing this up because you value your relationship as housemates.”
No privacy
Or consider another tricky housemate situation: you are dating someone whose roommates do not respect your privacy at all. Snide comments, ‘accidentally’ dropping in when you are in the room together, or even taking out the door of the room. You really like your new partner, but having sex in this house is a hard no for you. “This is about self-respect – both yours and your partner’s”, says Dewitte.
Setting boundaries can be challenging, particularly in the face of peer pressure. “It’s natural to want to fit in, especially if you’ve just moved to a new city. But it’s important to stand up for yourself. Ignoring your own boundaries will only lead to long-term regret.” Dewitte suggests asking yourself an important question: do you even want to belong to a group of housemates who treat newcomers that way? “You might realise you’re better off not fitting in with people like that.” And as for your partner? “Maybe they’re not as great as you thought after all.”