The number of singles has been growing in recent years, and not just due to an ageing population where older people find themselves alone after losing a partner. More and more young people are choosing to remain single, explains Dewitte. “And thankfully, there’s less stigma attached to it. Being single used to be seen as a temporary state to be ‘fixed’ as soon as possible. It’s a good thing that we’re moving away from the idea that being single means you’ve failed in life and having a partner means you’ve succeeded.”
Overwhelming
That said, she distinguishes between those who make a “positive, conscious” choice to remain single and those who are afraid of commitment. “The online dating landscape has changed – there are so many options these days. In the past, you had to look for a partner in your local community. People would just pair up and stay together for life. Today, we’re more mobile in both the real and the virtual world. You can find potential partners anywhere. The flip side is that the sheer number of options can be overwhelming for some people, making them hesitant to commit, out of fear that there is always someone who could be ‘better’.” The result? A ‘situationship’ in which people stay half single and half in a relationship.
Some people also avoid relationships out of fear of physical intimacy. “The question to ask yourself here is: where does that fear come from? Is it linked to self-image – do you feel like you’re not good enough? Often, it’s really a fear of vulnerability.”
Hugging hormone
Being single and being in a relationship may seem like opposites, but they’re not, says Dewitte. “Single people can have deeply meaningful relationships with friends and family. Connection is a human need. It’s about questions like, ‘Am I special to you?’ ‘Do you make me feel seen and valued?’ ‘Are you there for me when I need you?’ You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to experience that.”
For single people who want sex, there are plenty of options, from friends with benefits and one-night stands to erotic massages and visiting sex workers. At the same time, Dewitte points out, not everyone is looking for the physical, genital aspects of sex. “It’s often about tenderness, warmth, physical contact – the desire for physical connection. Positive touch releases oxytocin, our hugging and bonding hormone. You can also get that from platonic relationships with friends or family, as long as it’s consensual and respectful, of course. There are even professional cuddle buddies and cuddle workshops. Or you can find it in activities like dancing, salsa, yoga, massages, or just mindfully connecting with your own body.”