“It’s completely normal to feel jealous – it’s not automatically a bad thing. Jealousy is a sign that you care about your partner and your relationship. If you didn’t, you’d be indifferent, and that’s not what you want either, is it? Jealousy becomes problematic when it’s intense or when your behaviour is out of proportion to what is actually going on. That’s what we call pathological jealousy”, explains Dewitte.
So it’s fine to feel a slight pang of jealousy when a flirty guy is hanging around your girlfriend at a party. “But if you often feel that way, it might have more to do with insecurity. Are you afraid of losing your partner? Could it be that you have attachment issues? Do you feel like you’re not good enough? Have past experiences made you more prone to jealousy? Maybe you’ve been cheated on by an ex, or felt rejected by your parents – those things can stay with you.”
Reflecting
Start by reflecting on yourself, Dewitte advises. “Only then consider your partner’s role. Is she a big flirt herself? If so, why does she flirt with other people?” The keyword here, as in much of Dewitte’s advice, is communication. “Tell her that you’ve been feeling insecure. Try not to go on the attack or accuse her of provoking it. Instead, be vulnerable and emphasise that you’re just sharing how you feel. Give your partner the chance to be considerate of your feelings. If she’s aware of them, she may be better able to take them into account.”
However, Dewitte warns, make sure that any agreements you make are realistic and don’t make your partner feel restricted. “Don’t say things like ‘You’re not allowed to go out dancing anymore’ or ‘You’re no longer allowed to talk to other men at parties’.”
Not as fit
A relationship with a significant age gap comes with its own set of insecurities, she adds. “The reality is that you’re fifteen years older. Maybe you’re not as fit or muscular as guys your girlfriend’s age. If that’s the case and it makes you feel uncomfortable, you can work on it. Take care of yourself – stay active, keep in shape and look after your mental health. It’s not just about how you look, but also about how resilient you feel. Build your confidence – what makes you valuable? What are your strengths?”
People who judge
Also, it’s inevitable that people will judge you. If you accompany your much younger girlfriend to a party, there will be other partygoers who think you’re too old for her. But people will always have something to say, Dewitte points out, even if you do date people your own age. “Above all, do what feels right for the two of you, not what’s expected of you.”