“What do you mean by a triad? Are we talking about being in a sexual or romantic relationship that doesn’t involve your partner? Then the key question is whether your partner knows about it. If they don’t, you’re actually having an affair – you’re cheating on them. That’s not a triad. But if your partner knows and you’ve established clear agreements, it can work perfectly well.”
The term Dewitte uses is “consensual non-monogamy”, referring to partners who have mutually decided to have an open relationship. “Some people say, ‘My partner is free to do what they want, but I want to know about it.’ Others prefer not to know. It’s fine if their partner gets drunk on a night out and ends up kissing or sleeping with someone else, as long as it doesn’t threaten the relationship. Then there are swingers, where the focus is on sex, and polyamory, being in multiple committed relationships. Polyamory is more about ‘I have a lot of love to give – I care about this person, but also about that person, so why not be with both?’ Some polyamorous people have a ‘primary’ and a ‘secondary’ partner, while others live in communities where everyone is considered equal.”
Norm
Triad relationships are becoming more popular, Dewitte explains. “It’s not a new phenomenon, but because people are talking about it more, more people are giving it a try. It’s also becoming increasingly common for young people to bring it up with their partners.” However, Dewitte believes we should be careful that it doesn’t become the new norm, “that traditional heterosexual monogamous relationships are written off as boring”.
For those in long-term relationships who are interested in sexual variety, it’s worth exploring what might work for you and your partner. “Maybe you’re a great team, a great family unit, but you still feel like something is missing. In that case, opening up the relationship could be a solution. There’s no need to blow up the foundation of your relationship or emotional bond.” She recalls a couple where one partner had BDSM fantasies that the other didn’t share. The latter didn’t want an open relationship, but they also didn’t want to deny their partner’s desires. “So they agreed that the partner could visit a dominatrix once a month – but not always the same one, to minimise the risk of emotional attachment.”
Openness
That said, being in an open relationship isn’t for everyone. A strong foundation is essential, says Dewitte. If you’re having insecurity or attachment issues in your relationship, things could go wrong. She also wouldn’t recommend it for couples who struggle with communication. “There needs to be complete openness and clarity.”
Another thing to consider is whether the arrangement is sustainable in the long run. What if one of you starts resenting the fact that the other occasionally has sex with someone else? “It’s a problem when it becomes a threat to your relationship.”
Grey area
Finally, some people only go along with their partner’s wishes to open up the relationship because they don’t want to risk losing their partner. “That’s where consent becomes a grey area. It’s crucial to make sure that everyone involved is genuinely on board.”
Research has shown that open relationships aren’t necessarily healthier or less healthy than monogamous relationships, says Dewitte. “People in open relationships aren’t any less satisfied, nor do they experience more sexual problems. Jealousy is more common, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing; it’s normal and healthy to have feelings about your partner being with someone else. The opposite feeling is known as ‘compersion’ – finding joy in your partner’s joy. Their happiness makes you happy.”