For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt distinctly uncomfortable with the idea of being perceived. Walking through a crowded street or standing in line at the grocery store, I can’t help but feel acutely aware of the people around me. It’s not even about thinking I look terrible, but rather the vulnerability of being seen in the wrong light. The realisation that I have little control over the way others see me is frightening — which is actually quite ironic, considering the fact that I want to become a journalist.
Inner-City Library
The first column I wrote for Observant actually touched upon this issue, discussing my fear of the Inner-City Library. At this point, I’ve gotten used to the library and the “sheer number of students occupying the vast rows of study places”. But I still feel weird sometimes, especially when it’s particularly busy.
Aside from my library anxieties, I catch myself second-guessing interactions on a daily basis. I replay conversations in my head, wondering whether I could’ve responded differently. Before uni presentations, I get so nauseous that I worry my breakfast will make a reappearance. When I pass a group of people, I speculate about them silently judging me, and the way I walk. And if you receive an email from me, you can be almost certain that I’ve reread the email at least twice.
Little less self-critical
Nevertheless, I don’t want to end on such a negative note, nor dig myself into a hole. After all, I hope I can get past my unease in the foreseeable future — or at least learn to be a little less self-critical. I’m also well aware that, at the end of the day, most people are too focused on themselves to care about what others might be doing.
So, looking back, I’ve already come quite far. Just this weekend, I played the piano in the middle of the St. Pancras railway station in London. To be fair, my performance took place around 23:00, so there wasn’t much of a crowd. But as someone who wants to write as a living — who wants her thoughts to be read, judged, and maybe even challenged — that’s a start.
Robin van Wasen, student at UCM