I have been living in the Netherlands for exactly half of my life, and have been enthusiastically learning and speaking Dutch since I arrived in Middelburg that first day. Yet, I still think in English, and when I am angry there is nothing better than the F word—rather than a Dutch equivalent. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but one thing that troubles is me is when I have social conversations in Dutch. I inevitably leave the situation with an uncomfortable feeling that I was not “myself,” compared to when I can speak English. Usually, I beat myself up about this. I think, why can’t I become fully fluent in Dutch? Why don’t I have the cultural nuances to really “be me” after 20 years?
The other day I was listening to a Hidden Brain podcast that shed light on my issues, and eased my self-doubts. Namely, their guest Prof. Ethan Kross explained that emotions are encoded early in life, in our native language. According to Kross, that means there is a “deep resonance” between our native language and our emotions.
Applied to the situation I described, then, one reason why we might feel less like “ourselves” when speaking a second language in social situations (which often involve more emotions compared to work contexts), is because there is more distance between a second language and our inner emotional world.
Thinking about this reminds me of another recent situation. One evening, I overheard my dad on the phone with best friend Julio - both of whom share a native language of Spanish. Hearing my dad speak in Spanish, it somehow felt like he was even more himself. It reminded me of how much I enjoyed watching South American soccer with my dad and Julio. They would chatter away in Spanish, and nothing was funnier than hearing them curse at the TV.
Prof. Kross explained that if we are lucky enough to speak more than one language, we can choose our languages strategically, turning emotional distance into a good thing. If we are speaking about something where it could be helpful to take some emotional distance—like looking at a work conflict more rationally—we can choose to speak in our second language. In contrast, if our goal is to fully engage emotionally with an issue or another person (or express our frustration during sports matches) we are wise to choose our native language.
Jessica Alleva, assistant professor at the Faculty of Psychology and Neuroscience